Pulling the Plug — a Green Satire Written for English Class

A little bit of a preface here. In college I had an awesome English professor and for one assignment he gave us the option of writing in the form of satire. I took that opportunity and in one long adderall induced writing session I pumped this guy out. I’ve always found the caricature I wrote to be hilarious, so I wanted to share it with the world.

Eric Walters

English 102

Final Draft

4/28/14

Pulling the Plug

The electric vehicle has been plagued with problems from sales, to production. The best hope for the electric vehicle right now is Tesla, and they’re not being allowed to sell in states such as New Jersey, where they’re getting the most backlash. The problems that electric vehicles face are from a multitude of reasons, one major problem being the battery life, which is a perfectly reasonable concern considering a person may have a long drive ahead of them. The solution is to can all production of electric vehicles, since they’re a disgusting pimple on the rear end of America (and it’s a beautiful butt, just like this great nation). The solutions may not be simple, but it will involve telling those dirty hippies that electric vehicles are NOT the future.

As soon as those liberal hippies realize that electric cars are a waste of time, a lot of problems will be resolved. Perhaps that “global warming” stuff that those talking heads on MSNBC are always yammering on about will just reverse itself. We never know until we try, so that is a perfectly reasonable reason to kill off the electric car. Perhaps Al Gore will fold into himself and just disappear. I sure hope this happens, it would be a dream come true.

One of the things about electric cars I hate is how charging stations are popping up around town. Okay, I’m a savvy man. I shop at Whole Foods, I like to eat healthy. So what? Wanna fight about where I get my groceries? Anyway, the thing I hate about them is how I can’t park my Chevrolet Suburban in that spot. It makes me want to go buy some hormone free eggs and just stuff them into it. I have no idea how that will work, but I will make it happen. All of you electric car driving pansies will feel my wrath at the local Whole Foods.

That little uhhhh “rant” if you wanna call it that has a point, and that point is banning the production of electric vehicles. They’re ruining the shopping experience for TRUE drivers like me, taking up all of my parking spots. Not to mention how awful the battery life is, the U.S. Department of Energy even states “ Most EVs can only go about 100–200 miles before recharging — gasoline vehicles can go over 300 miles before refueling.” (U.S. Department of Energy) These things are pieces of junk, technology is just fine the way it is right now. Can electric cars blow smoke rings from their mufflers? Nope, didn’t think so. Can I do sick donuts with my Tesla car? Ok, maybe I can do that but it won’t be Ford tough.

Another thing that electric vehicles have trouble with is recharging. Refueling my Chevrolet Suburban (it’s my mom’s… but don’t tell her. I’m borrowing it for the weekend while my bros and I go out for golf) takes just a few minutes, while recharging an electric vehicle can take “4 to 8 hours” (U.S. Department of Energy). This is incredibly troubling, even though a quick charge takes just 30 minutes, it’s only about 80% charged! Those things at whole foods don’t even charge the shitty cars fully? Ugh, I hate this generation with all of their “green” technology and hip-hop music.

If these electric vehicle companies want to gain my attention, add solar panels on the rims of the wheels. That way, the cars will looks both sick, and radical. Maybe they’ll be “fly” as all the kids are saying these days. This way, the cars can charge while driving, and they’ll look great. Perhaps add a few diamonds on the solar panel spinners. Oh, did I not mention that I want them to be spinners? I remember that those were all the rage back in the 90’s and I’m a 90’s kid so it makes sense for my electric vehicle to have solar charging spinners.

Our “president”, more like socialist / communist FRAUD said “With more research and incentives, we can break our dependence on oil with biofuels, and become the first country to have a million electric vehicles on the road by 2015.” (Office of the Press Secretary) Ok “Obama”, if that even is your real name, where are the million electric vehicles? Don’t even get me started on biofuels. I love me some diesel, and if that smell leaves the atmosphere in this good US of A, I will cry. All the diesel fumes I’ve accumulated over the years will leave my tear ducts and become the only source of diesel in America. I’ll be a marvel of science, and the reason behind it will be bathing in diesel. Yeah, I’ve done that before. I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Perhaps the reason these cars haven’t reached the million mark yet is through divine intervention. You see, if God didn’t want this world to be destroyed through so called “pollution” he wouldn’t have created it. You still believe in fossil fuels? Guess what, fossils aren’t real. God never made them. Those neo-liberal ecologists planted them in the ground to trick us into becoming “green”. So guess what, God loves gasoline, he loves oil, and he loves diesel most of all. He told me in a dream once. He told me “Yo, Eric. This is your father up in heaven, letting you know that diesel is rad. It smells fantastic and you should bathe in it after dinner.”

That bath was fantastic, and I can still feel the pleasure it brought me right now. I’m tingling just thinking of it. Know what’s even better than that bath? Well, besides Limp Bizkit’s 1999 album Significant Other. That great thing was that Obama backed off his claim of having one million electric vehicles on the road by 2015. Yep, that dumb fuck backed off because his claim was SO stupid.

Well, it’s not exactly his statement, but the U.S. Department of Energy’s. Instead, they laid out “what experts called a more realistic strategy of promoting advanced-drive vehicles and lowering their cost over the next nine years.” (Rascoe, Ayesha, and Deepa Seetharaman) This claim is a little bit better, but it still ticks me off. I don’t see a single thing in there about stripping the batteries out and adding in some amazing engines that stick out of the chassis like a hot rod. Those things are sick. Yeah, I want that to be what Tesla introduces next. Maybe if they create a car like that, I will buy one of their products.

I’ve been bashing electric vehicles this entire rant (check me out on youtube by the way I have more stuff like this. Like and subscribe), but I have some ideas to make them even better. If companies listen to me, then they will make bank off these stupid cars. Okay, the first step is to create a sick design. These things are supposed to be futuristic, right? Well, add like twenty cupholders. When cupholders came out they were groundbreaking. Like holy shit those things were rad, technology jumped ahead maybe 20 years. If we can just add twenty cupholders then I think Americans will lovingly accept the idea of an electric vehicle.

I’m not done with my bright ideas, and I’m not being facetious when I say they’re bright. I have the solution to the battery problem. Aside from just stripping them out and replacing them with huge fucking engines like I mentioned earlier, I have a far simpler, and cuter approach. Hamsters. That’s right, cute little hamsters running on wheels powering the motor. When you buy your car from the dealership, you also get at the very least twenty or thirty hamsters.

The dealer hands you a crate containing the critters, and you place them into the Centralized Running Orb. Then you start your car as the hamsters run their hearts out, and you speed down the highway at high speeds. If they stop running, don’t worry because the generator has stored up the hamster energy. The car will run off reserve energy, and you’ll be able to drive for another 100 miles. I’m aiming for having 100 miles on the reserve power, and nothing less.

If those animal rights activists claim that this is animal abuse, then I have something to say to them. I’m giving these freeloaders a job. If they want to live in my home, eat my food, and have a couch to piss on then they better have a job. I’m providing them one, and they’re going to drive this country’s unemployment rate down. Those jobs will include, but are not limited to; valet, taxi driver, cashier at Spencer’s Gifts, escort, and teacher. Oh, not to mention State Farm agents who will replace any dead hamster. It has to be State Farm since the word “farm” is in the name. Hamsters are animals and animals live in farms, it all makes sense.

There is the issue of feeding these hamsters, and I have the solution. You just don’t, and when the hamsters die off the newly born ones will eat their parents. I know it’s morbid, but it’s nature. Well, it is a bit unnatural that the Motor Vehicle Hamsters (my new genetically altered breed of super hamster) are cannibals, but it’s all good. This way, you don’t ever need to refuel. The car produces its own fuel, through the feasting of the parents, and the feces of the hamsters.

That’s right, the car also runs on methane gas. The feces produce unlimited fuel. The Centralized Running Orb will fill with poop and will decompose into pure methane gas, and when the Methane Detection Agents detect that there’s a sufficient amount of gas in the orb, then it will ventilate into the motor. This way, there’s twenty (or more, depending on the rate of reproduction) sources of energy running in their own feces in your own electric vehicle. They’ll finally be the driving pieces of poop that everyone knows they are. My suspicions will finally be grounded in fact.

In closing, I think it’s time to remind you, the reader that these cars cannot survive unless the car corporations listen to my ideas. Electric vehicles will remain absolute garbage until they’re just flat out outlawed, given gigantic engines, or have hamsters as the power source. It’s your choice America, but I believe everyone will want the third choice. I know I do. I mean, who doesn’t want a bunch of cute hamsters running around your car? Well, they’re genetically modified to produce more methane but still. I know you all want to have a car like that.

Works Cited

Edwards, Owen. “The Death of the EV-1.” Smithsonian. N.p., June 2006. Web. 14 Apr. 2014.

Hall, Wynton. “Obama’s One Million Electric Car Goal: Three Percent Complete.” Breitbart News Network. N.p., 8 Sept. 2012. Web. 14 Apr. 2014.

Koenig, Bill. “Tesla Tests Dealers’ Lock on Car Sales.” The Detroit News. N.p., 8 Apr. 2014. Web. 14 Apr. 2014.

NPR. “Timeline: The 100-Year History Of The Electric Car.” NPR. NPR, 21 Nov. 2011. Web. 13 Apr. 2014.

Office of the Press Secretary. “Remarks by the President in State of Union Address.” The White House. The White House, 25 Jan. 2011. Web. 14 Apr. 2014.

“Promoting Electric Drive Technologies and Infrastructure.” Electric Drive Sales. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Apr. 2014.

Rascoe, Ayesha, and Deepa Seetharaman. “U.S. Backs off Goal of One Million Electric Cars by

2015.” Reuters. Thomson Reuters, 31 Jan. 2013. Web. 14 Apr. 2014.

Bullis, Kevin. “Tesla’s Gigafactory Gamble.” MIT Technology Review. N.p., 17 Feb. 2014. Web. 14 Apr. 2014.

U.S. Department of Energy. “All-Electric Vehicles.” All-Electric Vehicles. U.S. Department of Energy, 22 Apr. 2014. Web. 22 Apr. 2014.